When I was thinking of starting a blog I came across a hand-lettered print that said, “When I wait you strengthen my heart.” Psalm 27:14 says:
“Wait, for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage”
This verse really struck me. I felt like I was in a long season of waiting. Waiting to live closer to William, waiting to be married, waiting to be living the vocation I felt called to and waiting to be healthier. There was a tension between what my heart longed for and God’s timing. I desired more than anything that God would strengthen my heart during the wait. I felt like one way he was calling me to do that was through writing.
Leaning into the Longing
Right now I’m in another season of waiting. I can’t wait to be a mother, to see William as a father, and to have a child that shares a little bit of each of us. William and I are continually praying to follow God’s will in our family planning. During this season I’m learning to trust God’s timing because He sees the bigger picture that I don’t see. I find God in the waiting. I’ve found that I can depend on Him as my Hope.
Times of Fullness
I see that times of waiting are actually times of fullness in knowing that God is pouring out his love, grace, and mercy now. There are so many ways I can answer his call to strive for holiness in my present circumstances. During this time I’m praying with William more and attending weekly Eucharistic Adoration. William and I are talking more and seeking advice as we discern. I’m expressing gratitude more regularly for what we do have and speaking the truth that is present in our lives. The words from the song Shepherd by Amanda Cook come to mind:
“in the process, in the waiting, you’re making melodies over me.”
God is bringing forth good things out of this time, filling me with anticipation of what’s to come and helping me grow in virtue.
Brokeness
Don’t get me wrong – waiting can be hard! The subject of children is very tender and raw for me at times. With God’s strength, though, I can face the pain and live in the moment. Even a recent episode of Doctor Who had me crying when one of the characters confessed:
“the trivial stuff just falls away. You realize life can be so brief. And so, I just want to tell you. If we do get through this I want to have a baby! With you!”
I lean into the brokenness of waiting, of month after month discerning now is not the right time for children. I have to remind myself that working on my health is such a gift and I rely on God to give me peace.
I’m finding that God’s love really does cast out fear, fear of things outside my control. God holds the pieces of my heart and hears my prayers. He holds the pieces of your heart too. I hope that this blog can speak God’s truth to you and in that process strengthen your heart.
If you feel like you are in a season of waiting where is God calling you to love now?
Is God answering your prayers, just in an unexpected way or not the way you necessarily want?
Are you accepting God’s will in your life?